Monday, April 05, 2004

I lay here tonight, pretending to be brave. Tomorrow will come and go, like every other day thus far. And at the end, it will have its own worries and new twists. But for now, tomorrow's reallity seems a little cold and painful. This time tomorrow Sam will be gone. I wanted to say goodbye, give him one more hug. I couldn't bring myself to though. I said goodbye once and part of me wants to cling to that time, when I was allowed to cry. Its a bit selfish of me, I'm sorry. I am praying that he'll find the home he's always wanted when he arrives.
I'm not brave about the surgery tomorrow either. I sit here and look at my arm, enjoy one more hour of freedom. I know it'll be better after the surgery, but it's tough to give up the familiar scars and wounds for new ones. The knotted, stripey scars down both sides of my wrist bring back memories I'm afraid I'll lose otherwise. Small glimpses back of ordanary daily life in a mission boarding school. Links to a time and place that no longer exist.
A comfortable, known hurt compared to the unknown promise that will be me after tomorrow.
Ok, it's almost 12 now and I should cease my ramblings and do something more useful, like sleeping.


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